I am the best!
Koi hero yahan...koi zero yahan
koi star hai......koi bekar hai
Main kaun hoon...tumse yeh kya kahoon
Sach to yeh hai doston......I am the BEST!!

We all would love to say this......shayad kuch log kehte bhi hain....aur kuch log sochte hain lekin bolte nahin hain. Thanx to the importance I got back home and yes to some extent my actions....led me to believe it about myself too. But it was always based on what people thought about me.......an ego boost so to say.......and I was driven by it to be the best, to do my best time and again. After sometime it became a habit....and I hadnt had a taste of failure................yet!

Alas....all good things must come to an end.........ek din aisa bhi aaya jab mujhe ehsaas hua ki I am only as good as people project me to be.........ek bhare hue gubaare ki tarhen.......ek sui chubi nahin aur saari hawa pssssssssssssssssssssss
Abhi yeh gubaara waapas zameen par aa gaya hai..................and its not always smooth sailing................its not always easy......................I am certainly not always the best.........................I am human!!!!

And I am still the best......................only this time its because of the way I feel about myself irrespective of what my actions say.....as in I might not be the perfect student.......perfect daughter.........or perfect whatever.......................but I am the best because I am not perfect and I dont strive to be perfect............................I just want to be ....................the BEST HUMAN I can be and thats why I still feel........................I AM THE BEST !!!!

Dil ka aaina.......
Last time when I went back home....maine nani ko kuch photos dikhayi, friends here, life in Akron etc and then this one picture, 5 girls sitting on the steps in the mandir and she immediately commented on one of them (not me).......yeh ladki bahut bholi aur dil ki bahut saaf hai!
And yes she really is bholi so to say! Ma bachpan se bolti thi, chehra dil ka aaina hota hai..........khush raho aur pyar se raho to nazar aata hai......hum jo sochte hain, karte hain uska asar chehre par padta hai. Yeh baat alag hai ki mere chehre par mujhe kabhi kuch nazar nahin aaya! But I believed that was the key to looking beautiful.
A lot of times I assumed a stranger who looked smart and beautiful was good at heart etc etc. Lekin jaise jaise main badi hui I met a lot of gorgeous people who were full of crap and mean to the core........and I asked myself how to do explain that.....ma kuch bhi bolti hain!
Till I realised .......ma never said thats the key to being beautiful, that was my interpretation! And I realised this only after I had changed my definition of beautiful, its not drop dead looks, its not being fair, or having pretty eyes or beautiful hair etc etc........these are things you inherit by birth.
Its the way you look beyond these superficial qualities..........and yes that beauty is indeed a reflection of your heart! Thats what we judge when we know instinctively that so and so person (stranger or not) is nice.......and makes us feel warm and welcome.......or we feel like talking to them.
Humaari aakhon par ( this is still true for most of us) bahari khoobsurti ka parda chada rehta hai..............hum aur kuch dekhna hi nahin chahte.
Chehra sach mein dil ka aaina hota hai..............you just need the eyes to see that beauty!

Chota ek bangla ho.....:)
Chota ho....aur bangla ho.......aise kaise ho sakta hai????
Ek bada sa gate (black grill) aur uspar bamboo ....the lovely brown and black look........open into a driveway..........jismein 4 janon ki 4 gaadiyaan khadi ho sakti hain......right hand side mein 400 sq ft ka garden.........gulmohar trees on the side..........ek basket ball ring peeche.........phir ek bada gate and then the kitchen garden.
Back to the entrance again........now on the left........main entrance gate........jaipuri tiles se bana antique gate..........opens into a house which is all white marble........steps going to the basement and to the top...................bahut saari lambi lambi khidkiyaan....................left hand side mein kitchen......saamne 2 rooms...........upar........aadhe raaste par ek pooja room jimein badi si saraswati ji ki murti hai..........then steps going up......aur seediyon ke dono taraf koi deewar nahin hai.....a small lobby..........ek mirrored wooden door....opening into a huge room............4 balconies........lots of windows..........and then the terrace. Neeche basement mein living room........servant quarters and another room...................and.............and...........and...................this is just the physical description..................................how do you define those numerous days........har roz lalaji bahar baith kar usse inth inth banta dekhte the...........bhai aur main school se aate hi pehle wahan jaate the ki aaj kitna aur bana aur phir lunch par muumy ke saath discuss karte the..........woh udaipur, jaipur ke trips....marble pasand karne ke liye........main darwaaza design karne ke liye.........................woh garden mein puraane style ki streetlights...............woh mom dad ke kamre ka stylish furniture.............................mera pehla birthday wahan par.........................thats where I cooked for the first time ever in my life......................the chocolate pudding which turned out to be pathetic......................lalaji ki death........ussi ghar mein .....jisko dekh dekh kar woh apne doston par akad jamaate the.....dekha mere bete ne kaisa ghar banaya hai...........................woh ek ek plant jo ma ne chun chun ke lagaaye tha......................woh mata ki chauki....woh pehli diwali.......woh new years eve.........................aur phir woh din jab humne woh ghar choda tha......in just one and a half years...........................never to come back again.......................it was like a dream........ek chota sa bangla......bangle mein gaadiyaan...................aur saath mein rehne waala ek parivaar...........aaj yuhin yaad aa gaya!

A talk is a correct sequence of words!
I have been on that see-saw for 23 years. Ask me to walk up to the stage and talk impromptu and I will........about most current topics.........even if I know little........I can talk....because its abstract.......its logic.....its human psycology ........easy to understand (superficially atleast) ...........easy to express..........So does that make me fit to be a manager of some kind??

Technically sound.......but not instinctive......to talk in a room full of graduate students from the best schools in the world...some with years of experience and atleast three scientists................whew..........what happens to that impromptu talking style.........it flies out of the window even before I can say Good Morning Everybody! And I am still doing a Ph.D.??

I know my subject....and in science where things dont boil down to logic.....but are based on theories, equations, chemical structures............and so called laws of science............and when I stand there to talk..........I have to analyze every word that comes out of my mouth.....and the sequence of words, called a sentence.....is much harder to form.
In short I need to prepare my talk....the right sequence of words and sentences......to be impressive and correct (technically).........and with 3 sleepless nights behind me and nearly 80 hrs of work ................. my impromptu talk was the worst ever.................a complete fiasco!
Luckily for me it was a trial and the BIG DAY is the 24th of Feb!

A short break!
Work is becoming too much to handle right now....... I have a very important presentation coming up........and I havent had the time to read a lot of blogs I really wanted to........so I shall take a short break from blogging!
All you guys have fun blogging....I am going to miss reading those lovely posts.......but a man's got to do what a man's got to do!

Careless......................or bad luck??
Hostel mein meri cheezein hameshaa gum hoti rehti thi.......I lost around 4 pair of skates............and I was very careless.....kuch bhi kahin bhi pad rehta tha and I never bothered.......was too lazy to care most of the times....and it happened again and again. But that was 12 years ago.......and now I am careful about my possessions......at times very careful......because they are expensive and more so because I have grown up and find myself responsible.
In the last 24 hrs I have lost a silver pendant and a precious watch.......and somehow its stupid.....I didnt exactly misplace them......they fell off while I had them on.....and I it irritates me no end :(
I have been wondering whether I have been utterly careless or has it just been one bad day.......I dont know???